the last time i went tubing on the James River was years ago. i was part of a group of college kids. we decided, like most young adults, it was the perfect day for it. that summer was a scorcher. i remember getting into my tube. it was huuuuuge. so i couldn’t reach over the edge and touch the water.
at first, it was such a refreshing delight. just floating along with friends, all the cares washing down the river. but things changed. mostly the current. and being that i couldn’t touch the water, i couldn’t steer. or stop. i was at the mercy of the flow. and i was moving fast. into. rapids.
yea, i got a little banged up. had bruises for a few weeks. but the loss of control was the scariest.
and right now, i have the same feeling. except, this time the current is life. and i’m just floating along, without an anchor or sail. i see rocks ahead and i’m out of control.
i’m just holding my breath…
i’ve made this move so many times. it should come easy. it should feel natural. but it doesn’t.
i’m looking around the place, making sure i’ve packed all the things that belonged to me, and some that didn’t but i’ll claim as mine. i don’t even think i was here long enough to leave an imprint. the dust didn’t even settle.
i don’t mind the move so much, as the fact that someone else will take my place. she will put her things here. she will dwell here. i think that thought bothers me the most. and not because it’s her… just because it’s not me.
standing in the doorway, i tell myself not to look back. keep my head up and straight. but i can’t. i’ve never been able to.
so i turn, take a long wistful look one last time.
pick up my bag.
and walk out of your heart.
I found the following lines on a folded piece of paper in the recesses of my closet. After reading it, i wondered who I was speaking of. But like every other man in my life, he is barely just a memory.
I watch your lips move
And hear no words.
I only see the silver in your hair.
Do you notice mine?
Or are you watching my lips
While I answer you?
We lay quietly unwilling to disturb the others slumber.
And with such consideration
A disservice is done.
For while we are sensitive to each other’s physical needs
We only feed our own.
Leaving a gaping hole in our souls.